pocketful of clarity.

My Life

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April 2

1,105 notes

no fear.

have not blogged in a longggg while, but i need to process and so here i am.

i feel like at this point, my love life is on repeat. meet boy. develop crush. hang out. get to know each other. open heart. boy turns out to be a jerk. girl is sad.

and each time this happens, afterward, i tell myself that i don’t believe in love anymore. i repeat little sayings to myself like “you are your own superhero.” (you know the ones.) i dwell on the hate, the bad, the hurt. i convince myself that i will never put myself out there again; i won’t repeat my mistakes. i’ll get smarter for next time. i won’t trust anyone. no one will be able to get through and mess with my heart again because this time no one’s getting near my heart. this time it will be different. this time i won’t get hurt.

i tell myself this. every. time.

and then the next time, what do i find myself doing? the same old thing. opening myself up, letting my heart get involved, believing in true love, convincing myself that this guy is different and that i can trust him. can you guess what happens next? i told you it was a cycle, right?

but you know what? this time around i’m not gonna even pretend that i don’t believe in love anymore; that i’m jaded and will never trust again. i believe in true love. i do. i believe that the sweep-me-off-my-feet, take-my-breath-away, grow-old-together kind of love is out there. and i’m sensible enough to realize that, yeah, maybe that kinda love isn’t gonna be for me (it’s not for everyone), but that’s not gonna stop me from hoping. that’s not gonna stop me from believing.

so. i’m gonna meet another boy at some point, i’m sure. and the cycle will begin. and i’ll open myself up for hurt and put myself out there and i might get my heart stomped on again and that’s gonna suck. but, to me, it’s worth it to get hurt to know i’m living my life without fear. i don’t wanna go through life being constantly terrified of getting hurt and possibly missing out on something great because i wasn’t willing to take a risk. i wanna live my life with no fear, arms wide open, ready to embrace what’s careening towards me next- whether it be heartache or, maybe, just maybe, something better.

December 25

6 notes

Natalie Wood in New York City, photographed by William Claxton, 1961.

Natalie Wood in New York City, photographed by William Claxton, 1961.

(Source: missavagardner)

October 19

1,111 notes

(Source: stardustmelody)

October 19

621 notes

c.s. lewis

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far too easily pleased.

October 18

1 note